He remembered to eat, at least.
Two rice cakes with peanut butter.
He did it in front of her as she was leaving for the gym
So she could see.
She kissed him on the cheek and he’d playfully grumble.
Once gone, he would swallow the pills that she didn’t know about
Nor what he did to get them.
They would make
The day tolerable.
No, that was wrong…
They would make the day livable.
No, that’s the same thing.
They would make the day…enjoyable.
He would be right with the world by the time she got home.
She would sometimes mention his good moods
As if complimenting a puppy for not shitting on the rug.
How happy she was to have him back she’d say
Though he never remembered being anywhere.
He’d watch the clock and with every blink of the passing morning feel the
Darkness begin to lift, the grays become tie-dyed.
Feel yesterday’s regrets dissolve and tomorrow become nothing.
He would try to remember the feeling. This fearless thisness, and try to
Recapture it later, without the pills.
He tried that always.
It never worked.
The darkness always lurked, like a thief hiding
Until everyone was asleep.
Those times when she lay her head on his chest as she once had
With no direction, meaning or pretense and he could
Smell her sweet scalp through the shampoo.
Those times he wondered why it wasn’t enough.
Why nothing was ever enough.